...they'realloutwithoutyou,havingfun. Yup. I'm SO emo. There's people who dislike me. [...] Ok, SO WHAT?! -huh? True, no matter whom it is, you shouldn't care too much if they don't like you. It's really just people. I never try to please anyone. Never. Anyone. I think it was last year that I've worked on my self-esteem. It was necessary. Look, I'm arrogant and definetely not in hate with myself- never been. But I felt as if I needed a little more self-esteem so I worked on it and it worked OUT. I felt really self-confident. At first, I really didn't care about those certain people. Then I started realizing they don't like me quite much. But I didn't care. I was like "Ok..noone actually HAS TO like me. I'm not in love with them either. I got nothing to prove them. It's alright. I'll just be me." And, really, this is just so right. It doesn't mean that I would never let any critics come close to me but I was able to sort nonsense from importance. But then I felt worse and worse. It's not that they bully me but they don't really hide they dislike me. It's alright. I'm like that, too. I mean, I don't pretend. Why should I act like I like the people whom I actually don't care about? I've never been down with that "Uh, sweety, gimme a hug" & then walk away mumbling "stupid bitch". That's pretty much..not me. Well, but that's not really the point. I feel so uncomfortable. Because they don't like me. I don't want to make them like me. I don't want them to tell me how great I am, they needn't be my friends. But I feel disliked. And it doesn't feel good. I don't know why I care. It feels weak and I hate that. I just need to write that down here. Besides, none of them will get to read this which makes me feel free while writing..sort of.. Hmm..I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't show up to the places they're at anymore. Why spend my time with someone who obviously dislikes me? I mean I could prevent here from feeling bad. But then again there's this theory that this might pull my arrogance down a bit. Like "oh look you're not as great as you assume- now deal with it". But it makes me feel quite insecure. Objectively judging myself, I say it's good I still don't pretend and put on a mask just to be liked. I can even accept they don't like me. But I can never accept the way I feel about it. I'm actually in hate with it. Yup.
Another thought crossing my mind: why am I that strange? I mean I'm so not-figured-out and planless. Is that bad or can we say I am still young & I'll have the time to become whatever I will be? I can't threaten myself to improve or to develop...CAN I? Is that possible or not so much? I DON'T KNOW. And it kills me that I don't just go and try. Instead I'm sittin here bitching. Uh yeah, that will change the world.
See? -I suck!